"President-elect Barack Obama had lunch at the White House with all the living U.S. presidents. Obama called the meeting "an extraordinary gathering." In a related story, John McCain had lunch at Quiznos." ---Conan O'Brien -
"First lady Laura Bush is writing a memoir. I’m gonna buy it. I think it’s called, I’m With Stupid." ---David Letterman -
"Actually, it looks like Roland Burris will get his Senate seat, but Senate leaders said not until his certificate is signed by the Illinois secretary of state. They say this has been the rule since 1884. They've never, ever wavered from this. Of course, over the past eight years, they've waived rules against, y'know, torture and spying on Americans and violating the Constitution, but never the little signature." ---Jay Leno
- Joe the Plumber is now a war correspondent for Pajamas Media. Is that a news story or a mad lib? ---Jon Stewart
- Dr. Sanjay Gupta, reporting for CNN from a Beijing restaurant: This is stud bull penis. This is deer penis. These are lamb testicles. This is Russian dog penis. If I wanted to order some tiger penis, can I order that here? Stephen Colbert: It was all part of CNN's investigative report: Penis in Peril. ---The Colbert Report
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